I’ve been staring at this page pretty much for the past few days and I’m struggling, hard. I just cannot come up with something to write about. Well correction, I suppose what I mean is, something that is uplifting or enlightening or hopeful. It’s a strange time. Usually my life is going 100mph, and truthfully has been for years, although a little more insanely since mid-January. I’ve also been fighting colds since mid-January and honestly still am. Can’t say I haven’t questioned all of it at this point given our current state of the world and not had to talk myself off the ledge. My life and my family’s lives have come to a grinding halt. I overthink everything and with every cough, sneeze, ache, pain, headache, and so on…Thankfully I’m able to work from home and have been for a while now but there is no shortage of worry. My folks live with us, schools are closed, my husband is not working, making my girls quit their jobs and seeing friends and businesses struggle. The last month has made me question everything in this life to try to figure out what is “right”.
I have found myself emotionally distraught in all the spectrums of emotion one can encounter. Much like the stages of grief but all at once and sometimes multiple times a day. We have all lost something or had a dream shattered in some way and feel like we are continuing to lose. They say only 2 things are certain in this life, death and taxes…..well dammit, not really even sure on the taxes part now. But the death part…I’m not ready, for any of it, for anyone. It has forced me to take stock of where I have been, what I have done and what I have yet to experience in this life. I’m not even close to fulfilling my purpose. I want more. I want more for my parents, my husband, my kids, my brothers, my whole family, and my sweet friends. And by more I mean, more joy, more love, more experiences, more memories, more laughing and crying, more time. I want my heart to feel more and theirs too.
I find myself afraid, anxious, and concerned. I’ve decided it’s ok to feel all of this. We need to feel all of this. But we also need to find the silver lining in the fear. I need to find the hope. That involves making some tough decisions. Changing our lifestyles for a while. Moving to a simpler time in a complicated world. At the end of the day, I believe we all choose life and family. This time is going to test many things. Our resilience, our patience, our commitments, our love, our energy our willingness to put aside criticism and bolster our ability to lift each other up because god only knows NONE of us were meant to spend THIS much time together in one place. But god, we get to spend THIS much time together in one place! In the end, we only have each other. The goal would be to find “emotional correctness” in how we respond to one another. Let the best parts of ourselves shine brightly to keep out the dark. Procuring the best parts of humanity like what we are seeing in our first responders, our nurses and doctors who give all they have. It comes in many forms and that is what I’m choosing to focus on.
I choose to be purposeful with my words. I choose to check in and reach out to as many of you that I can each day to make sure you are doing alright and to offer what I can. Whether it is to listen, to find an alternative, share food, share a laugh, fill your soul with music, anything I can do to lift a burden or ease anxiety. I will share all that I have. And I hope you will do the same with me. The biggest gift, yes I’m going to say gift, with our current reality is that for better or worse, we have to trust that we will be there for each other in ways we have not been before. The world is stopping to take a breath and we are all forced to take that breath together. Don’t let it be for naught. Take it as the opportunity for the “more” I mentioned above. Make good decisions. Protect your families. Protect my family. Be your best selfless version. Share your gifts and your gratitude abundantly. Let your tears and your fears flow out and breathe in a higher vibration of life and love. We will need this in order to hold on.
I choose to find hope in the corners. I hope you will join me. Big love to all your hearts today and every day.
Mommyhood 